We might think Jessica’s anxiety is all in her head, but a disturbing trend is leading to a different conclusion. A new study published in the journal Sexuality and Culture (September 2011) “has found that the portrayal of women in the media over the last several decades has become increasingly sexualized, even ‘pornified,’” according to Erin Hatton, PhD, assistant professor at the University of Buffalo. “In the 2000’s, there were 10 times more hypersexualized images of women than men…this is problematic because it indicates a decisive narrowing of media representations of women.”

A report by the American Psychological Association’s Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls (2007) found compelling evidence that the rise in sexualized images of girls and women in the media is harmful to their self-image and healthy maturation. This can mean undermining a woman’s confidence in her body promoting shame, anxiety, eating disorders and/or depression. Sexualized images of women have been found to increase violence against them, and to decreased sexual satisfaction among both sexes.

“The consequences of the sexualization of girls in media today are very real and are likely to be a negative influence on girls’ healthy development,” said Eileen Zurbriggen, PhD, chair of the Task Force and associate professor at UCSC. “As a society, we need to replace all of these sexualized images with ones showing girls in positive settings – ones that show the uniqueness and competence of girls….The goal should be to deliver messages to all adolescents, boys and girls, that lead to healthy sexual development.”

As parents and other trusted adults, we play a major role in contributing to either the sexualization of the young women in our lives or to giving them a healthier sense of what it means to be a human being. We can take an educative role by encouraging young people to question the images that are being promoted and by sharing information on the negative effects.

Sexualization means that a person’s value comes only from his/her sexual appeal to the exclusion of other characteristics. We can help young women like Jessica and all our daughters, nieces, friends, and yes, our young men, to understand that kindness, creativity, intellectual competence, physical abilities, compassion, service, spirituality and love matter more than being sexy.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Sounds silly put that way, but you’d be surprised. People who had difficult childhoods sometimes use that as a justification as to why their lives are not working today. Oprah Winfrey, certainly a successful person, has shared that she overcame being sexually molested as a child; obviously she didn’t consider that a good excuse. There are many people who had traumatic childhoods whose lives are flourishing, so we really can’t blame the parents.

Clients in therapy may be reticent to do historical work because they love their parents, feel loyalty to them, and don’t want to blame them. The clients are afraid we’re going to find out the parents were villains, which is rarely the case. Usually, although not always, our parents were well-meaning people like ourselves doing the best they could with what was handed down from their own parents.

It’s not necessary to stop loving your parents to see what they taught you that wasn’t helpful, but it is necessary to identify the messages from the parents that were not accurate. I sometimes call these false messages “brainwashing” to underscore for clients just how strong this conditioning can be.

If, for example, you were taught that sex is sinful, you might want to change that brainwashing. If you were taught you should never speak up, or that your ideas are nonsense, or that you don’t have your own special form of attractiveness — these beliefs taught by well-meaning parents are not helpful in the world of adults and would benefit from examination, then elimination.

In psychotherapy, we’re not about blaming your parents. We are about you examining the things your parents instilled in you that are not helpful and throwing them out with the trash. But, we want to make sure you do keep the many useful things your parents passed on. We don’t want to interfere with you having the best relationship possible with them. The more love in the world, the better.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Nothing’s wrong with accomplishing a lot, as Tiffany does. Western culture is focused on achievement which requires a lot of “doing.” People are asking more of their lives than ever before – we want to be successful financially, and have perfect health and great relationships. These are laudable aspirations, but we’re out of balance, at the expense of non-doing or just “being.” We’ve lost the great art of doing nothing at all.

I knew nothing about this until I spent a year at an ashram in India. It took awhile to wind down from my manic Western pace, but after I did, I fit in quite well. There was plenty of time to sit by the river, watch the clouds and cows grazing, meditate, enjoy leisurely meals, and spend lazy afternoons chatting with friends. Life was so relaxed; we thought we were getting a lot accomplished if we mailed a letter that day.

Of course, the realities of needing to earn a living intruded, and it was time to go back to work. Too much leisure is deadening to the spirit which wants to be of service to its fellow beings. But I learned the great value of doing nothing at all, sometimes referred to as meditation. Some meditations suggest watching the breath or the thoughts: some concentrate on a mantra or sound. Some listen, which was especially delightful in the tropics, with the sounds of birds and roosters reminding us to wake up. All meditation methods involve doing nothing productive. They teach us to just “be.”

One way to incorporate doing nothing into a busy life is to take up a meditation practice. A few minutes of quiet inwardness can balance many hours of outward doing-ness. However, I am reticent to prescribe meditation to my patients, as it often becomes one more item on the dreaded to-do list. It’s often easier to do nothing whenever you can find a moment, such as in the car when you get home before going into the house.

The point isn’t to live a life of non-doing. Instead, we can incorporate doing nothing into our lives in precious bits of time. We have to give up chastising ourselves for taking that time. We need to question our high standards for productivity. If we don’t, we’re in danger of losing the connection to that which makes life most meaningful.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

This type of forgiveness is done from the level of the mind, by making a decision to think about the situation differently, which is as helpful as putting a Band-Aid on a broken arm. The pain happened emotionally, physically, and/or sexually, and must be dealt with on these levels. For the mind to pronounce that “all is forgiven” is New Age nonsense, as if all it takes to come to forgiveness is to pronounce it so.

To truly get to a state of forgiveness, you must first fully experience the feelings associated with the betrayal or abuse. This doesn’t mean that you need to act the feelings out, become overly dramatic, or hang onto them for years. But it does mean that the energetic frequency of the emotion needs to be allowed to pass through the physical body on its way out. When forgiveness is merely an idea or a mental construct pasted over the inner rage, horror, betrayal, hurt, or anger, the emotions will continue to exert pressure to be released. When through the process of therapy we drain those feelings, leaving the person free and cleansed, the forgiveness process can begin.

It’s understandable that a person would want to bypass this step, because dealing with these historical emotions can be intense. The work is hard, but it is worth doing. To be free of blame and resentment is worth the pain it takes to clear it out of your system. It can be done. Get some help so that it’s not just a mental exercise.

If you try to forgive prematurely, or before you have done your work, you run the risk of being stuck with painful feelings lying hidden under everything you do. When you explore and confront past emotional wounds, eventually you will come to accept the humanity of whoever harmed you, along with the realization that we all hurt each other. Then true forgiveness is possible and when it comes from that genuine place, it will flow out truly like the love that it is.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Many people weren’t aware that a quake of far greater magnitude shook Chile, the affluent nation running down the west coast of South America. The Chile quake was 501 times stronger than Haiti’s according to the Huffington Post, and yet we didn’t hear much about it because there was very little damage. Chile has had a long history of handling emergencies so homes and offices were designed to withstand disasters. The country was in all respects better prepared. By contrast, in Haiti there were no building codes, and Haitians had not been schooled in how to react. Although the earthquake was so much stronger, the damage was minimal in Chile.

Of course, there is a lesson here that it would behoove all of us to be physically prepared for emergencies. There are easily download-able lists on the Internet of items we should have in our cars and homes for emergencies: bottled water, snacks, blankets, candles, etc., and it’s a smart thing to do. It’s prudent to be prepared as Chile was.

But what I’ve been thinking about is the lesson these earthquakes have to teach us about our emotional lives.  People whose lives are stable are like Chile; that is, they are more easily able to deal with an emotional “earthquake,” than people whose lives are not.

For example, I often suggest to my single patients that they focus on having enough platonic friends first before they focus on finding a partner. They will be more emotionally prepared for the “earthquakes” of dating if they have enough emotional support in their lives and aren’t waiting for their partners to provide that stability.

If you develop emotionally supportive networks around you now, they will be there for you when life brings you an “earthquake,” as it inevitably will.  Life brings emotional suffering to everyone at some time in their lives. Someone you love will die; someone might leave you; you may have financial difficulties. These events are universally devastating, but if your life is stable, you can survive the earthquake as a prepared country such as Chile did, rather than be rocked to your core and barely able to recover like an impoverished Haiti.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Believe me, I understand. Back when I was a hippie/beatnik/punk alcohol-abusing waitress in the ‘70s, dreaming that some day I would be a writer, I despised the word “normal” and all I thought it stood for. “Normal” connoted people who had sold out, people who were not living on the edge, people walking around half asleep, and worst of all, people who had given up on their dreams.

After being lost for longer than I care to mention, one day in a meeting I heard someone say, “I finally believed I was good enough to lead a normal life.” I realized that was true about me, too. My desire to not get stuck in a bourgeois life had been motivated partly by my artistic drive, partly by not having high enough regard for myself, and partly by a misunderstanding of how life works.

I was lucky enough to find a mentor who taught me that it’s a required step to become “normal” in order to get anywhere in life. Unless you are willing to do what it takes to stabilize your finances, living situation, and emotional life, you can’t get on to solving more interesting problems. Without this stability, you don’t progress and you keep wondering why your life never amounts to anything. They don’t need to be magazine quality, but you’ll need a stable home, stable finances, and a stable emotional life to move to the next level.

Bill also taught me that you have to become willing to be bored; otherwise, you’ll spend your life chasing drama. You’ll make poor decisions like going back to school instead of buckling down to work, or you’ll throw out your perfectly good spouse to buy a more exciting model. You won’t mature, because there is always a new drama to solve. As soon as life starts finally coming together and boredom sets in, you’ll make a decision to ruin it, chasing what seems more intriguing and less “normal.”

To progress beyond sub-normal, Justin will need to pass through “normal” if he ever wants to spend his life in the way he aspires. Normal is a required stage on the way to excellence. What he’s seeking is there waiting for him; he just needs to do the work. He hasn’t yet understood that we all have to work for our success, one difficult step at a time.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

It can be a great help during, or after, the time period when this cleaning-out is going on to have a series of sessions with an experienced bodyworker, in addition to the regularly scheduled psychotherapy. Talk therapy alone is sufficient to release enough of the repressed material for major improvements to be experienced, but for a more complete resolution, bodywork can assist the process by working on it physically as well as intrapsychically.

The repressed material does not exist only in the mind or the heart. It has been lodged in the body: in the tissues, the organs, the muscles, and the fascia that connect the muscles to the bones. Trauma, whether emotional, physical or sexual, can show up in the body as poor postural alignment, stiffness, lack of flexibility, or as more serious health problems. When the bodyworker skillfully eases the physical release of this holding in the body, the result is often a whole new way of being in the world.

Rolfing is one such bodywork discipline that works to change the structural problems resulting from trauma. I have personally found it to be highly effective. Once when the Rolfer was working on my foot, it suddenly began kicking on its own, expelling anger that was trapped in it. I found myself literally “putting my foot down.” In another session, I began crying with relief as he worked on my spine, and the greatest surprise of all was the session when trapped joy that I never knew was there was released and began streaming out into the world.

Other forms of bodywork that can be useful during therapy are acupuncture, chiropractic, the Alexander Technique, Reiki, and Feldenkrais. Receiving a massage is a necessity for those folks who have not been touched enough, which is nearly everyone in the Western world.  Of course it’s always helpful to take up a physical practice, such as running, hatha yoga, martial arts training, dancing, or even walking around the block. It’s wonderful to explore the myriad methods of enhanced physical awareness that can bring you to levels of well-being you had never imagined for yourself.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Notice that as soon as you download a new song from iTunes, you’re tired of it. The dessert you carefully chose from the menu never tastes as good as you’d hoped, and when you try to repeat a pleasure that at one time made you ecstatic, it’s always disappointing. Our frustration prompts us to try to repeat an experience that one time brought us pleasure, as we become dulled against the truth that it can’t be done. We try to shift our moods by taking a pill, drinking alcohol, binging on food, or watching some porn, all activities famous for facilitating momentary happiness, but in the long run they create deep rooted and difficult-to-eradicate addictions.

Many of my patients express that, “all I want is to be happy,” by which they mean constantly positive and joyful, never negative, sad, depressed, or feeling angry or grief-stricken. Some people have even gotten to the point that if they aren’t happy all the time, they blame themselves and believe there’s something wrong with them. This frustration comes from a misunderstanding regarding the nature of happiness – it’s not supposed to last.

It’s not supposed to last so you will go on searching for something that does last. You are supposed to be continually frustrated in your search. The fact that happiness is transient is necessary to lead you to that which will make you truly fulfilled, rather than momentarily elated. True happiness cannot be found in that which is impermanent.

Certainly, there are many things you can do and ways to live your life that will make you happier, such as manage your finances, get enough exercise, and live according to your moral code. But no matter what you do, a permanent state of happiness will elude you until you find it in something other that which doesn’t last. It is possible to develop a sense of happiness about whatever is happening, a sense of celebrating all the flavors of life: sadness, lack, boredomk, and even the fact that happiness is not supposed to last.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

Often, my patients who are involved in processing painful wounds from childhood have trouble forgiving themselves. They feel they should have known better or handled things differently. It’s common, in the consultation room as well as out on the street, for people to blame themselves that in their early years they were not as smart, educated, assertive, or as neurologically mature as they are today.

When I looked into this, I went back in time and there I was, myself only smaller. In my childhood memories, I am as I am today only my body is tiny. It doesn’t make any sense, of course, but everyone I’ve talked to remembers a smaller version of how they are today, rather than remembering the emotional experience of the time.

But that’s not how it was. Back then, like all children, each of us was innocent, completely lacking in worldly wisdom or the street smarts that come from the school of hard knocks. We were utterly dependent on the adults in our environment for everything: food, shelter, for life itself. Our emotions were not mature, and our nervous systems had not yet developed. We weren’t able to make adult decisions, reason things out, or protect ourselves from harm.  Allison didn’t stop the abuse because she hadn’t yet matured into the perceptive person she is today who would handle things differently.

Years ago in my own therapy, I was clearing some trauma that had happened when I was eleven years old. I was baffled as to why the incident had hurt me so much.  Pondering this, I walked over to a playground and looked at an actual eleven-year-old girl. She looked so innocent and fragile that I began to cry. I saw that she needed protection and was obviously too little to have understood what was happening to her. It changed forever how I thought about my own experience, and the traumatic experiences of others.

I often encourage patients to go look at some kids if they don’t have any of their own. It helps tremendously. I’m not trying to create a new breed of voyeurs or playground stalkers – you can also visit children of friends or relatives if you have them. It really helps to see their innocence, and to recall your own vulnerability, trust, and sweetness. You were smaller, yes, but not just a smaller version of yourself today.

© 2011 Catherine Auman

There’s a prevailing notion in our culture that you shouldn’t have emotions, or if you do, only the “positive” ones. It’s okay to be happy, cheerful, and outgoing, but even if you’re happy, be careful not to be too exuberant. We wouldn’t want people dancing in the streets!

Then there’s the New Age tyranny that only certain emotions are politically correct. To be a superior person, you’re supposed to go around with a feeling of gratitude at all times. Anger, grief, disgust, resentment, pain, hopelessness – these are signs that you are not who you ought to be, and certainly, “not spiritual.”

In fact, however, all emotions are an essential aspect of what it means to be alive. Your grief is beautiful, your shyness, your reticence, your pain and hopelessness. All of these emotions are the truth of your life and everyone’s life, so why would you want to miss knowing this? Every single human being has been hit with crippling grief — no one gets out without having their heart broken. If you don’t experience the richness of your grief, the way it deepens you and opens your heart, you will not share this universal experience. What gets lost in these rules-not-to-feel is what it means to be human.

If you observe, you will notice that your feelings come and go like the weather. Some days it rains; some days the sun shines, but none of it lasts. We all know the weather will change and expect it to. Feelings are the same – if you watch them and allow them to be as they are, you will notice them morphing and changing  — floating by like clouds.

Instead of standing guard over yourself to make sure you only experience the correct emotions, how delightful instead to watch the passing parade of human feelings that float through like the weather, ever changing. If you remain at war with your emotional life, you run the risk of missing the truth of yourself, the truth of the experience of your life.

© 2011 Catherine Auman